admin July 16th, 2009
It is my pleasure to welcome to the blog today a very talented lady who has a great new book called, “I’m not weird, I have SPD”
I’ve asked Chynna to share with us her experiences with siblings and dealing with a sibling that is different. I know I’ve told you before about Ehren’s troubles with Sydney’s anxiety. It’s tough enough being a sibling nevermind when your own sister or brother scares, frustrates or confuses you.
Thanks so much Chynna for taking the time to be a part of the blog and for such a wonderful contribution.
Planting A Friendship Seed: The Joy of Siblings
by Chynna Laird
Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet. ~Vietnamese Proverb
Our brothers and sisters are our first friends, playmates and confidants. They teach us how to interact with other children, as well as behaviors we’ll need later (such as sharing), and in them we have companions for life. But like any other relationship, sibling relationships require a friendship seed to be planted, nurtured to grow and encouraged to strengthen over time. And there are circumstances under which these beautiful relationships need even more patience and work to reach their potential.
I have been blessed with four gorgeous children: Three girls, [Jaimie (six), Jordhan (four) and baby Sophie (one)] and a feisty little boy [Xander (two)]. Jaimie struggles with Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) and high anxiety. SPD interferes with the brain’s ability to effectively process the sensory information it receives from the sensory organs. Essentially, the messages get to the brain but somewhere along the transmission line, they get “scrambled.” Because the brain isn’t able to read these messages effectively it isn’t able to tell the rest of the body what to do or how to react to sensory stimulation. And this can cause confusion and/or overwhelming feelings of anxiety.
The signature of this disorder, or at least in my Jaimie’s case, is a highly overresponsive (or underresponsive) reaction to sensory stimuli, which can make getting close to them quite challenging; especially for a little sister or brother who only wants to hang out with their older sister.
For Jaimie smells, touches and sounds are often unbearable for her when her body isn’t organized enough to prepare for such sensations. What this means is that a simple gesture of affection, such as a hug, can actually feel painful to Jaimie. And if you smell “funny” to her or have a different pitched voice to boot, she won’t let you get anywhere near her. So, how can a sibling relationship be born with a child with such severe sensory struggles? Slowly, gently and with alot of patience and love.
Allow me to share how we helped my four children develop close sibling bonds despite a barrier of sensory struggles.
Establish Building Blocks
As Maya Angelou says, “I don’t believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.” And this is true whether you have one child with special needs or not.
Children have a natural affection for babies. Even Jaimie gets so excited when another baby is near—she must go and investigate. That natural affection is what you can build the first stepping-stone on.
Those of us with more than one child know by including the older sibling in the flurry of baby excitement, some anxiety for their arrival is eased somewhat. Jaimie chose the outfits Jordhan, Xander and Sophie each wore home from the hospital, we encouraged her to talk to them while each of them were in my tummy and even got her to choose special little stuffies for their cribs.
One of the most precious moments was when we got Jaimie to “hold” Jordhan. She sat down in her foam Tigger chair and we put Jordhan in her lap. The picture we took of them together is framed and on Jaimie’s bookshelf. We didn’t even need to encourage her to do the same with Xander or Sophie—she asked to hold him.
These were the seeds we planted for budding sibling bonds.
Encourage Play In the “Quiet Times.”
Let’s face it…babies cry, fuss and don’t always smell very good. These characteristics of “babydom” are amplified for a child who extremely overresponsive to sensory stimulation. But encouraging the nurturing process is still possible.
Near the end of my pregnancy with Jordhan, Jaimie still hadn’t spoken and communicated only with gestures or noises. The first time she came to visit me in the hospital, Jaimie climbed up on my bed, leaned into Jordhan’s crib and whispered “baby.” Right there, I knew in my heart they’d end up becoming close. I also knew that Jaimie needed a way to feel she could be around Jordhan without fear of triggering her sensory meltdowns.
Jordhan rarely cried—which was a bonus for us—but when she did, Jaimie covered her ears with her hands and screeched. She couldn’t deal with Jordhan touching her (unless she initiated it) and couldn’t deal with Jordhan’s “baby smells” (not just the dirty diapers but also the smell of the formula, the drool-laced pacifier or even Jordhan’s natural smell.)
One morning after Jordhan was clean, dry and baby powder fresh, I laid her down on Jaimie’s “hotdog” blanket (one we wrap her up in—like a hotdog—for calming her) then encouraged Jaimie to lay beside her. Jaimie was apprehensive at first but after while ventured over and laid down. Pretty soon she felt brave enough to touch and hold Jordhan’s little hands, play with her feet and even roll around with her. Jaimie even got Jordhan to giggle for the first time.
Encouraging siblings to be around one another in the quiet times—just enjoying each other’s company—is a wonderful way to develop and nurture a the seeded bond.
Helping To Offer Comfort
Children also have a natural instinct to comfort others. Sometimes if Jordhan fussed, and Jaimie’s symptoms weren’t too bad, Jaimie climbed up beside me and either rubbed Jordhan’s back or stroked her silky hair while rocking with me. When Jaimie helped me soothe Jordhan, it took no time at all to get Jordhan happy again. And Jordhan got to return the favor when she got a bit older.
Whenever Jaimie becomes so overwhelmed by her environment she breaks down in an inconsolable fit, Jordhan is the only one who Jaimie allows to get close enough to offer comfort. Most times, Jordhan is the only one Jaimie will allow to hug her. Jordhan will wrap her tiny arms around her big sister and say, “I here for you, Jaimie. No cry.”
Children don’t need to be prompted to be there for their siblings. They simply need to be encouraged to keep it going. This also helps children learn empathy for others and respectful of other people’s feelings.
Teaching to Respect Boundaries
Let’s face it, none of us enjoys the touch of sticky, peanut buttery hands (or drooly hands, for that matter) on our skin. For Jaimie, it’s unbearable. The sensation of a light touch—no matter what the intention—registers as painful to her.
All children need to learn to respect the personal boundaries of others and not to be afraid to set and enforce their own boundaries. But Jaimie also needed to learn how to tell other people their touch hurt, scared or bothered her.
We’ve always gotten our children to be responsible for their actions and to pay attention to how others are affected by what they do. Jaimie needs to politely ask Jordhan or her other siblings to move over when they sits too close; Jordhan needs to understand that when she speaks in a high-pitched voice it hurts Jaimie’s ears; Jaimie needs to understand that there are times when Jordhan simply cannot keep up with her when she’s “up” (seeking sensory stimulation) and needs to stay on the go.
Children don’t always have the social or verbal expertise to express their needs. But we can show them how their actions affect their siblings so they begin to understand what to do—or what not to do—the next time. Becoming in tuned with other people’s reactions to their actions also helps children learn to recognize social cues—which Jaimie often has difficulty with. Practicing these skills with Jordhan and Xander has helped her tremendously in other social situations.
Teaching To Fight Fair: “Use Your Voice”
It’s a given that siblings will fight now and again. But the rule in our house is to fight fair. Fighting fair means no yelling or hitting but listening with your ears open and your mouth closed.
At first parents can intervene when they hear voice volumes raise then assist in reaching a suitable agreement. But, after awhile, siblings need to learn to work things out on their own. That means parents must step back once in awhile and let siblings try to resolve their own fight.
Now, Jaimie can explode from serenity to rage in seconds and, once there, she’s difficult to bring back down. Usually if I start the resolution process with a simple, “Jaimie, you need to make your voice smaller and explain to Jordy and Xander what you’re feeling so they understand.” Jaimie will do her best to verbalize.
That’s our main expression: “Use your voice.” Jordhan has a tendency to either flop down on the ground or cry while Jaimie yells. Xander, on the other hand, is a screamer and will imitate Jaimie. And baby Sophie buries her tiny face in my thighs. Reminding them to use their voices—calmly—and talk things out gets them back to fun times soon enough.
To be able to practice resolution in this way is an invaluable skill they’ll take with them in future heated debates.
My Brother, My Sister, My Friend
Jaimie is now six and a proud older sister. I am so proud of how far she’s come in her ability to relate to her siblings. Even more wonderful is Jaimie has taken the skills she’s learned and practiced with Jordhan and Xander and has been brave enough to practice them with other children. For the first time in her life, she’s allowing herself to reach out and make friends.
If you ask Jaimie who her best friends are, she’ll stand a little taller and say, “My bestest friends are Jenna across the street, Jordhan, Xander and baby Sophie. I love them.”
And this is all possible, I’m positive, because of the love that stemmed from those wonderful friendship seeds I planted years ago.
BLOG Contest
If you’d like to receive a copy of Chynna’s new book I have a contest for you.
One lucky winner will be chosen.
Tell us what seeds you’ve planted that have helped your children deal with the situation. What key phrases and life lessons have you tried to teach your children.
Contest deadline is Friday July 17th, 2009 at midnight.
Thank you again so much Chynna for sharing a bit of your world with us.
“Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.”
Henry Ford quotes
