admin December 3rd, 2008
My horoscope for yesterday – Stop blaming yourself for a recent mistake. It could have happened to anyone, and you didn’t do it on purpose.
I’ve been involved over the last few weeks with a Trauma Information Group. A group of people with the same commonality (trauma) get together and learn what trauma is all about and how it affects our parenting and our belief systems. At the beginning of the six weeks the facilitator said that we would be learning tools and techniques that will help us as we move along to the second phase of the program. I thought it was crazy; how can we learn enough that in six hour and a half long sessions my parenting would be altered enough to make a difference. Oh, how skeptisism can be one’s worst enemy.
Here I am at the end of the six weeks and I’m surprised to find out just how much I took from those sessions. I have had the opportunity to realize where my awareness of my past and present is affecting my parenting. At no point did they put blame on us as parents, at no point did they ask us to do more than think about the reasons why things were happening. The one thing that stands out in my mind moreso than anything else is that all behaviour is due to some kind of feeling or thought that my child is unable to process just yet and they need help.
Well, hold onto your hats ladies and gentleman because I have now entered into a new phase of parenting and it could not have come in better time. I have told you about Ehren’s ideas that I love his sister more than him. I mentioned it both in the Globe and Mail article and in past blog. Well, the volcano of emotion erupted last night and so many things came to light.
On Monday night all four of us ventured a twenty minute drive to meet with a doctor at ROCK to discuss if Sydney and I qualify for a group starting in January or not. Since the driving was a little tricky I had asked that Dave and Ehren join us too and just hang out at the mall close by. Sydney and I went to the meeting and Dave took Ehren I never thought anything of it. At the meeting we discussed everything in our past and present challenges. I filled in the blanks of Sydney’s behaviour and much to my surprise she went willingly and without looking back into a room opposite mine with the other doctor. That way we could discuss everything without worrying about what was said. Just about at the end of our meeting I was asked if there was anything going on that was worrysome that I’d like to discuss. I told her about Ehren’s recent anger over how I divide my time and affection. She suggested that I make sure that it’s not always Dave and Ehren doing things but Ehren and I as well. I left the meeting feeling hopefull of future support and as well I was so proud of Sydney spending time with someone she didn’t even know and further more she spent her time colouring and drawing. Wow!
So Tuesday comes along and I am feeling terrible. I’ve got a cold and decided to spend the whole day on the couch. Quite a luxury but I needed the rest. These emotional outpourings are so taxing on me and it may sound like I’m being whimpy but I needed the day. Tuesday nights we’ve just started Ehren in Jiu-Jitsu in order to help him with his confidence and make him feel like he’s got something special to do. So because I wasn’t feeling well Dave took Ehren. The whole day from the morning until the class everything seemed fine. “Seemed” is the operative word.
When they got back to the house I remained on the couch while Dave put them to bed. I got hugs and kisses and good night wishes just like every other night. About ten minutes after Dave went upstairs I heard a noise that sounded like a shrilled angry sound. Dave walked into living room and announced that Ehren was really angry. My immediate reaction was “Damn, I feel like hell and I just need one night not to have to intervene”. As Dave was explaining what the problem was I heard things being moved around so off the couch and up the stairs I ventured. When I got to the top I had quite a surprise. Ehren had removed his toybox, laundry hamper, garbage can, piggy bank shaped like a street light, and two more bigger toys. When I entered into his room I’m not sure what I said first but he was in the corner of his room and he immediately said, “Don’t come in, this conversation is finished, I’m going to bed.”
“But I’m here to help figure out what’s going on? Why are all the toys in the hallway?” I said it in a calm albeit croaky voice.
“NO. IT’S NOT FAIR THAT YOU ALWAYS TRY AND CONTROL WHAT I DO. I DON’T DESERVE THESE TOYS. IT’S NOT FAIR.” He was furious.
“Ehren what do I do or say that would make you say that I am controlling you?” I was shocked.
“You always do that, you come in here and you talk to me and want me to talk to you and you control what I do because you make me feel bad and I put everything back in my room and you control me. NOW, this conversation is over. Done. I’m going to bed and I don’t want any of my stuff.”
Each time I moved toward him he moved away. Each time I tried to talk he would look at me and say, “Don’t do that.” Dave was behind me and he said that it wasn’t acceptable to say those things.
In my mind I kept thinking “behaviours are caused by some sort of reaction to feelings”. I knew that this whole thing honestly did not make sense and that something was really bugging him. I gestured to Dave that I had it under control and I calmly walked into Ehren’s room a little bit further. He immediately ran to the corner.
We went back and forth trying to figure out what was bugging him and he started to say, “you control what I do and say because you always have. I feel like I don’t belong. I do these things like put my toybox in the hallway and tell you that I don’t want anything because it’s the only way to get your attention. I don’t feel like I belong here at all. Ever since Sydney came along it’s been all about her. EVERYTHING IS ALL ABOUT HER AND YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME.” My heart sank. What do I say to that?
“Ehren I understand that life has felt a little unfair. Can you tell me what actions I have done that make you feel the way you do?”
“I can’t think of anything at the moment but it’s always about her and I don’t belong anymore so I’m going to keep doing bad things because that way you’ll pay attention to me”.
It really is too much conversation to remember everything that was said but he put everything out on the line and very clearly explained how he was feeling. Very cathartic a process but for the parent involved in the neglectful behaviour in the minds eye of the child very sad and overwhelming.
It took about an hour for him to realize that I needed help to understand what things I am doing or not doing specifically. I also explained that, “this parenting thing is new to me and that there are no real manuals that tell you how to do things right. You have a right to feel the way you do. I am sorry for making you feel so bad and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me? I have never ever meant to hurt you. I think there are a couple things that mommy can do that perhaps will make you feel better?” At this point we were both sitting on his bed but still no hugs had been given and no direct contact had been made. It was breaking my heart. He grabbed a piece of paper and sitting beside each other we came up with five things that can be done immediately in order to repair things.
- Spend more time on the couch with Ehren.
- Take Ehren to Jiu-Jitsu.
- Mommy & Ehren spend time together every second weekend of a new month starting next weekend.
- Say good job more often to Ehren Starting NOW.
- Once a week mommy puts me to sleep after Jiu-Jitsu class on Tuesday.
I can always tell by his body language when things have settled in his mind and by the time we finished the list he was closer to me, he smiled and his anger had passed. So now it’s all about implementing what we established last night.
I’ve often illuded to how he feels left out and I’m sure that the same feelings arise in any family when one child has issues that need to be tended to. We are only human and realistically there are two of them and only one of me! I curse anxiety and am angry that it had come to last nights heart wrenching, tearful outburst. I wish things were different too, I wish I had managed it and juggled life a little differently over the last couple of years but I am only one person. I thank the trauma class for the insight that helped me deal with last night because I honestly think that last night would have looked much different if I didn’t keep in the back of my head that something was going on.
The fact is that this blog is all about anxiety and support. This experience has proven how vitally important it is to support everyone in the family. The realization that for the family as a whole life is a fine balance and without balance feelings of hatred and angst can surface in many ways. It is my goal to get through this and learn how to help others along the way. No child should feel so unloved and unimportant.
