I have recently had a number of parents on my facebook group asking whether or not meltdowns should cause a child to completely collapse with exhaustion. Is it all tied together? Is it the stress that’s making your child so tired? What’s wrong with my child? What do I do when she/he has a meltdown to calm her/him down?

The answer is no there is nothing wrong with your child and yes it is most definitely all tied together. I think what’s important before we talk about techniques that will calm and soothe our children is to look at the body’s way of reacting to that incoming stress.
What works for your child might be a little bit of trial and error and that’s all right, these things take time. First imagine what happens when our children go into a situation that causes them great anxiety such as going to school or being at school. What we need to keep in mind is that the body doesn’t distinguish between physical and psychological threats. Watching a show on television or seeing someone get hurt or being overwhelmed at school can all have the same outcome on the body physically.

What’s affected by that stressful situation?
The Nervous System – the brain is going to send messages to the nervous system which is typically called the “fight/flight” response. The system prepares the body for action and hormones kick into action. Cortisol and blood sugar levels rise so there is enough energy in the body. Adrenaline is also produced giving you that “rush”. In affect all systems are preparing for the moment to fight or to flee. Can you imagine how much pull comes from all of our organs in order to give us this response?

When we feel anxiety and are dealing with this “fight/flight” response we see physical symptoms such as:
Sweaty hands and/or body
Increased heart rate
Less saliva
Throat constrictions
Shaking
Crying
Nausea
Tension of muscles

For us when our daughter has spent the whole day doing this “fight or flight” dance it is a no wonder why she comes home and within minutes literally falls apart. To those who can suppress the “fight or flight” response it would be very difficult to understand just how hard this continued stress is on a little body and how much it is felt everywhere; every ounce and fibre of my daughters being is on red alert.

When a big meltdown has occurred
Here are some strategies we use to help calm and refocus my daughter so that her stress levels come down and she is able to function and thrive.

Embrace – for us the first line of calming is an embrace. The crying has gone into overdrive and the feeling of utter helplessness has occurred and now is the time for consolation. It did not happen right away; a few years ago an embrace was in and of itself a very anxiety filled situation. But after offering my open arms time and time again the concept that my arms could soothe and embrace finally clicked and calming began to take place. This also allows the breath to start to slow to a more normal rhythm.

Environment – Bringing her into either the living room or bedroom because it calms her just being there. When our children are at the height of stress, fear or anxiety they are in a very chaotic state and they need to be brought back into a place of calm; no chaos. Let your child decide where this place is and don’t be afraid if it turns out to be in the middle of the stairwell. Many a good cry and conversation have occurred while my bottom went to sleep on the hardwood stairs.

Feelings – What would make you feel better right now? Don’t be afraid to ask because you may be surprised at the answer. Sometimes we think it needs to be a grande plan when in fact it’s a cuddle, some music, a story or a walk. Let them feel like they have control over their emotions.

Allow Time – Once our daughter has calmed down and seems like the wave has passed it is easy to think about the dinner that needs to be cooked, the dishes in the sink, the phone calls you should make. What’s really important for us is to not rush the time together. Whatever this looks like for you and your child it is something that is done together and reaffirms her sense of security and allows her to feel what she needs to feel to bring her body back to a sense of peace and calm.

Essential Oils – If she has had an exceptionally stressful day when she goes to bed at night I also put some essential oil on the bottom of her feet or diffuse it in the air just before she goes to bed. At first she walked into her room and said, “Oh, what’s that smell.” To her sensitive nose any smell can be over powering so I made sure that I started this in very small increments so I didn’t turn her off completely. Good calming oils are camomile, lavender and Sweet Orange. Sweet orange is the Oil of Happiness. It’s warm and sunny, excellent for depression, stress, tension, frustration and anxiety. Orange helps to lift the spirits and promote joy. A great scent for children.

Rest – Rest is such a critical part of bringing those cortisol levels down and bringing the body back into alignment and harmony. What we find is that the desire to go run outside or be with friends is not always her first choice after an outburst or meltdown and really who could blame her. Getting some quiet down time or having a nice warm bath and crawling into bed a little bit early can help to keep the body and mind in check. Slowly she is beginning to realize the benefits of rest and relaxation. Again, not so long ago resting meant giving in to the unknown and she wouldn’t have anything to do with that.

In the end just the sheer realization that for these wonderful kids their whole entire world has been catapulted to a very high level of alert is a step in the right direction. Giving them the time and the space that they need to bring themselves back down to a state of balance is the other half of the battle. Don’t be worried if you don’t figure it out right away. It is a very delicate balancing act sometimes and some days one thing will work and other day you might need all of them. Being kind, loving and unconditionally understanding is a parental requirement for every child but for our daughter and many others our parenting skills are tested a little further and we must get attuned to what’s being set before us. A little understanding and empathy as well as an extra long hug, snuggle, words of motivation or moment to just stop and breathe is what brings the meltdown back to reality where calm prevails. Together a family can conquer anything.

“A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.” The Wise Words of Buddha

This post was submitted for the S-O-S Best of the Best, which will be published on September 15th, 2011. You find more information and read other submissions there.

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