As I started to picture the trees in the storm,
the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the
storm don’t try to stand up straight and tall and
erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown
with the wind. They understand the power of
letting go. Those trees and those branches that
try too hard to stand up strong and straight are
the ones that break. Now is not the time for you
to be strong, Julia, or you, too, will break.

Julia Butterfly Hill

What a spectacular quote, truly it is so inspiring. We all need to learn to bend, to be in the moment and let go of ourselves and be pliable in order to withstand life’s struggles. My post “The countdown is on, tension is rising and tears are flowing”encapsulated the feelings of the last few days into a very simple picture; high anxiety, overwhelming sense of unease and feelings of inadequacy. What Sydney has struggled with over the last little while is that feeling that she can do nothing right.

The Highly Sensitive Child
When Sydney was quite young I was given a book called, “The Highly Sensitive Child – by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D”. I took the test at the beginning of the book and discovered that Sydney was 25 out of the 28 or so questions. She is extremely sensitive by nature and so when you say anything that can be misconstrued as derogatory her back is up and she feels it way down to her soul.

Excerpt from the book
This part of the book resonated with me so much at the time and still to this day.
First, appreciate that this is a wonderful trait. It is no illness or syndrome. Nor is it something new I made up or “just discovered.” It is an inborn temperament or style that is found in about twenty percent of children and of nearly all animals. Anything so persistent is not abnormal. It represents a strategy of taking everything into account before acting (the other, more common innate strategy is to act quickly and be first, then think later). The trait serves an important purpose for the individual sensitive person and for the larger society–for example, sensitive persons sense danger and see the consequences of an action before others do.

Unfortunately, the trait has been somewhat misunderstood in our culture, so that most psychologists and parents tend to see only one aspect of some sensitive children and call this trait shyness, inhibitedness, fearfulness, fussiness, or “hyper” sensitivity. If one could see inside the mind of a sensitive child, however, one would learn the whole story of what is going on–creativity, intuition, surprising wisdom, empathy for others…

But, for all of that to blossom, they absolutely must be raised with understanding. Otherwise, as adults they are prone to depression, anxiety, and shyness.

So, the second “what now” might be to read The Highly Sensitive Child. I wrote this book because so many adults were telling me that their childhoods were excruciatingly difficult, even when their parents had the best intentions, because no one knew how to raise them. Parents and teachers told them there were “too sensitive” or “too shy” or “too intense.” They tried to change and could not, and so felt increasingly isolated or ashamed. My hope is to spare some children such unnecessary suffering and the world the waste of so much talent, because HSCs have a tremendous amount to offer the world. But they do need special handling. They need to be appreciated, to have their special needs and sometimes intense reactions and behaviors understood, and, when correction is needed, they need to be handled with special care so that they do not become anxious or ashamed of their failure.

So I knew that raising Sydney was always going to be a little trickier and perhaps a little bit more challenging, but that was long before she was talking, disagreeing and fighting with her brother in an attempt to find her voice. Sensitive children are wonderful beings but sometimes they require some extra mediation when it comes to siblings and that is where I found a golden opportunity to show her a lesson in “letting it go”.

The Scene
Our kitchen table around 10:00 a.m. yesterday morning. We are trying to figure out what to do for the day and it has become very apparent that Ehren’s continued commentary good and bad of Sydney’s actions is making her upset. Ehren tries to give her a hug by extending his arms out wide and saying, “someone looks upset? wanna give your big brother a hug?”. Nope, total shutdown on her part. Arms at her face, crouching in fetal position while seated, teary eyes. I thank Ehren for his attempt at reconciliation but know that it is going to take more than that at this point. I want her to be strong, I want her to be resilient and I think the most difficult part of watching your anxious and sensitive child is that it is a hard world out there and you need to be strong; without loosing your true self. I don’t want everylittle thing to bring her to tears. So I told her, “Sydney your brother is just trying to show you affection. I can tell that sometimes his words make you upset and you need to tell him that.”

The Lesson
Body language talks you know and she spoke loud and clear. “I am not listening!”. So, I walked a way for a moment to collect my thoughts. Then within a moment came back and said, “You know Syd you really need just “let go” of things.”. “But I”m sad”, was her response. “That’s fantastic, you can acknowledge your feelings and know why they are there but why don’t we work of “letting go of them”. We had already deduced in earlier conversation that she was ticked and feeling judged by Ehren so we were on to the letting go part. “But I don’t know how to do that mommy? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do!”. There is was – the key to figuring it all out was the acknowledgment that she wanted to do something to change it but she didn’t have to tools to change it.

“I hear that you’re feeling sad right now, is that right?”
She responds, “Yes”
“Well, you know why you are sad and you have told Ehren why his words upset you. Do you like this feeling right now?”
She responds, “No”
“Right this moment can you think of something that would put a smile on your face? or make you laugh?”
She responds, “No”
Right beside her by the back door is Ehren standing there trying think of things that will make her laugh so he pipes into the conversation – “giving me smack on the butt?” he says giggling.
She responds, “No” but there is a slightly elevation in her lips; could it be a smile?
“Think of anything” I say while holding her.
Ehren again pipes in “what about getting me wet with the hose?”. He’s looking at me at this point for approval of his stunt for the betterment of his sisters mood no doubt.
She smiles, “well only if I can get him soaked outside?”
Wait there it is..the “letting go”
She is about to climb off the chair in an attempt to get her brother soaked when I stop her for a moment and say, “wait, so how are you feeling right this moment?” she stops and thinks, “I’m feeling good, happy. Not sad anymore! Wait…did I just do it?”. “Do what?” I ask. “Did I just “let it go?” she asks me but you can see the release on her face the lightness in her step the anger and frustration gone. “Yes my dear you did and do you notice a difference in your body and in here (pointing to her heart)?”

Famous Last Words
“I do mommy and thanks for teaching me such a good lesson. I’ll remember that next time. But if I get stuck can you help me again.”

Of course I can. That’s what I’m here for. To help you realize that you are an amazing soul with so much to offer the world. Our children are so full of wisdom and sensitivity and life. Take the time to let it flourish and nurture it even if it means walking away for a moment.

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