So life has a way of continuing to challenge us in ways we’d never imagine. I found out a few weeks ago that I have to go for surgery at the end of June. My own anxiety came to a front but I was able catch it before it overwhelmed me. I’m a little nervous about the small stuff but that’s to be expected. We’ve explained the surgery to Sydney and to be honest I don’t think she’s quite got the whole idea but at least she knows. We’ve also had to talk about it to Ehren and here is were the problem with anxiety has come to a nasty front. The poor child has seen so much in his 9 years. He was things when my mother was ill that no child should have to see. The only person that Ehren has really seen post surgery is my mom and in his little world she died so therefore if you go for surgery there is a good chance that you…well…die!

So now all of the sudden my son has become the textbook version of anxiety. My happy go lucky child is now ridden with damn anxiety. I’m hoping that with my knowledge of anxiety both for myself and dealing with it in Sydney I’ll be able to help him get through this tough period.

He’s all of the sudden started getting panic attacks, he’s got severe seperation anxiety from me especially at night, he’s got school anxiety. Even when I went to the walk-in youth and child clinic the counsellor there did say that he’s suffering from anxiety but it’s coming out aggressively and that’s primarily because he himself does not know what to do with the information that’s going on in his head. It is really heartbreaking to see.

Oddly enough it reminds me of my own childhood. I think of all the times that I waited at the top of the stairs for my mom to come up to go to bed because I was afraid she was going to leave. I can remember hanging on for dear life to my mother as she tried to leave me at school, the tears streaming down my face as my mother couldn’t look at me for she too had tears welling in her eyes. The inability to stay the night at my cousin’s house to just give my mom one night of peace. The panic, the ridiculous thoughts (which at the time seem so real). But some how I came out of it not so bad. I’m certainly not the most outgoing of individuals but some how I figured it out. I still have to talk myself out a panic attack, I still need to convince myself to make phone calls and meet people for the first time but bit by bit it’s working. I just wish that I could take it away from my children. I wish I had a magic pill that would make it all go away.

Instead, I’m in the process of putting together a paper toolbox for my son so he can come to terms with what he’s feeling and make it not so bad.