On Friday I had a doctors appointment for Sydney to get a referral for and ear,nose and throat doctor. It was suggested by the speech and language therapist at the school and we agree that it is something we should look into. Sydney quite often will wake up in the morning and look like she hasn’t slept a wink. The bags under her eyes are tell-tale signs that she had a very restless night. On the occasions where I have been called into her room for nightmares or illness when I observe her sleeping she is very unsettled. We are working so hard on so many things with her that this just seems like one of those things that need to be look into because if she’s not sleeping well it helps to keep a very downward spiral moving forward. We all know how we feel when we haven’t had a good night sleep and it seems like no matter what I do or give her (homeopathic only of course) she seems really unrested.

Doctors appointments are always met with uncertainty and usually a tremendous amount of tears and heartfelt anguish on her part. I always feel sorry for our doctor because she is such a sweet and easy going lady and Sydney usually always gives her a run for her money. The night before I had explained to Sydney that we were going to the doctor for her and we need to get a note from the doctor. She asked “Will she need to do anything with me?”. I replied, “Not really maybe look into your mouth or into your ears but nothing that will take a long time.” We got to the parking lot that morning and she waltzed into the building with such ownership, I had never seen that before. She manouvered through the stairway instead of taking the elevator and when we were on the third floor she walked over to some toys that her and Ehren had spotted and off I went to the reception desk.

The real test is always in the office but she led the way when her name was called and walked into the room sitting herself down on the bed without prompting at all from me. While I was explaining to the nurse the reason for our visit she scolded Ehren for being around the table and told him to “sit back down”. He responded politely and did as he was told. Luckily it was a very timely quick visit but unlike every single other time we have ventured into a doctors office of any nature Sydney was exceptionally co-operative. When the doctor walked towards her and reached for the stethescope Sydney responded not by crying but in fact by opening her mouth and letting the doctor look up her nose and into her ears and in her mouth.

She was beaming with pride because she did it. When the doctor stepped away I’m sure she was thinking the same thing as I was, “Way to go Syd. See the doctor is here to help you and make sure everything is alright.” Sydney was so proud of herself. She in a timid voice said, “Is that it?” and both the doctor and I at the same time smiled and said, “That’s it. All over”.

We discussed the idea of getting an x-ray as the specialist will probably want one and in my head I thought well we’re on a roll right now we might as well keep moving forward. Here’s where the experience goes down the gutter and I only blame myself. She did so well in the office with the doctor that part of me still thinks I should have left it at that. She has never been so co-operative with a doctor before and she had used all those wonderful techniques she’s been taught lately on how to tame the anxiety and keep it at bay. She did it so why did I push her further. We left the office and I mentioned to her that in fact we had to go for an x-ray but we had not discussed this before, she didn’t know what an x-ray was, she wasn’t sure what was expected of her.

We travelled down the elevator and the whole time there was a barrage of questions:
What does the x-ray do?
Is it loud?
Will it be long?
Do I have to do it?
What are they going to x-ray?
I don’t want to?
Can you come in with me?

I answered as many questions as I felt necessary and I did re-assure her that I would be in the room with her.

We registered and the wait luckily was a mere matter of minutes. We walked into the mechanical looking room and the first thing the technician said to her was, “Do you like getting your picture taken?” STRIKE ONE. No in fact she hates it! Yikes, this wasn’t looking good. Ehren got asked to sit outside and thankfully he was good with that. The technician put a smock on Sydney’s waist and that’s when she lost it. She began to cry and the technician looked at Sydney and said, ” What’s wrong, there’s nothing to be worried about it’s just like when you take a picture.” Clearly this wasn’t going to be easy. I asked the lady what Sydney was going to have to do and I walked over to the machine and showed her what was expected. I walked back and told her that we had to do this for the doctor and it will be quick. To no avail, Sydney began to shriek with upset. She would not take my hand, she would not move. She pulled her hand back when I tried to urge her forward and she yelled, “I don’t want to”.

I couldn’t help but think, “DAMN what had I done? Why did I do this? I should have just left it on a good note. She did great in the doctors office so why did I push it. I hope this isn’t going to make her think that the doctors office is a bad place. ”

Oh so many things were going through my mind and the whole time I was in the middle of a very unimpressed looking technician and a child that was hyperventilating with fear and tears.

I took off my smock and I was getting our coats when all of the sudden Sydney screamed, “OKAY, OKAY I’LL DO IT!”. I put all of our stuff back down and walked back over, handed her the smock and led her over to the x-ray area. She was to face the big metal plate and hold it on both sides while putting her nose against the plate. She walked over stood 2 inches away and that was it. No closer. She was crying the whole time and would not look up. After what felt like forever but was really only about 30 seconds the technician looked at me and shook her head. We were defeated, this time the anxiety monster won.

The technician had other people to see and Sydney clearly could not bring it together. I took our coats and very, very slowly Sydney followed behind. Ehren’s first words when we emerged were, “So why was Sydney screaming? She didn’t do it did she?” I hate it when he says things like that. I stifled it by putting him first in front of me and literally blocking the comments. I gently whispered in his ear, “let’s not make a big deal about it okay.” He tried to console Sydney in his own way but I think it just made her feel worse.

She apologized in the car for not being able to get the x-ray and I’m sure she felt defeated too. She had such a success and instead of reveling in something that had never happened before I tried to push the envelope. I feel in some way like I got greedy with my luck and look where it got me. Now by the other side of the coin it could have turned out differently and the anxiety could have been quelled. I guess that’s the worst part in all of this you never know what will happen. I never in a million years would have thought that she would have sat upon that table and made it happen. We all tried our best… I think!

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