Due to the nature of anxiety the most difficulty I find in every day life is the sometimes dramatic ups and downs. Last week Sydney received three awards for her hard work: socializing with others, eating at lunch and the one I like best was the one that stated she had “The best day yet so far”. Sydney seemed to be making great strides. She was confident, she was happy and she even chased after a classmate after school one day.

Jump to this week and all the good steps forward are being overshadowed by the tears and screaming and this morning the pulling away and falling to the ground. I hope my team of professionals would be proud of me this morning for my actions, because it was one hell of a morning.

Sydney woke up without any prodding by me, her internal clock told her it was time to get up. She greeted me at the door of my room and smiled hesitantly. She asked, “Is it a school day today?”. “Yup and today is Tuesday so we have only three days left after today.” I said it confidently, not making much of it. We continued on with the rest of the morning and had lots of time to spare.

Sydney and her brother both came downstairs and like cars lunged for pole position at the countertop to pour themselves some cereal. Sydney would not move out of the way until she was ready and when her brother asked her to move she replied, “just wait”, and not necessarily in the nicest tone. He got angry, although at the time I had no idea what he was angry with. She finished pouring her cereal and then moved over to the other counter to get some milk. She was trying to be helpful and passed him the milk and in an angry voice he told her to put the milk back in the fridge. I don’t think she quite understood why her good intentions were being squashed. She reluctantly put it back in the fridge and came to the table. Ehren on the other hand proceeded to go to the table without the cereal, without the milk and just sat across from her and muttered, “you make me sick and I can’t stand you.” He said it and flew, went back to gather his breakfast and as he was getting ready to pour his milk Sydney snitched on him. When I called him on it he was holding the milk container and replied, “she says stuff like that to me all the time so the one time I say something I’m getting in trouble. You know it hurts me too when she says stuff.” As he was speaking his hand was crushing the milk carton and his face was brimming a lovely vibrant red colour.

“Why would you say that to your sister now? What did she do to make you angry?”

In a nut shell she pushed him out of the way and in his eyes she was rude to him and he was angry with the way he had been treated. Now here’s were it gets interesting. I spoke to Ehren in the other room and explained to him that instead of crushing milk cartons perhaps he should try to verbalize what’s wrong so that everyone knows what we’re dealing with. He agreed. We walked back into the kitchen and he started to tell Sydney why he was angry. She began to cry and say, “But I didn’t say that”. He wanted to try and explain to her that it wasn’t what she said as much as the push itself, but Sydney felt terrrible and ran away to her room.  Give me strength, it’s not even 8:30 a.m.!

Ehren was going to go upstairs to talk to her and I had figured enough talking for the moment, let’s give her a chance to calm down and give Ehren a chance to finish eating. Within a minute she was back down and Ehren tried to be the big brother by saying, “Syd I just didn’t like getting pushed.” The words came out fast, I think for fear of her walking away again. I quickly explained that Ehren wanted to tell her how he was feeling and that we need to acknowledge that and at least listen.  

Now, Ehren was happy and Sydney was sitting on the couch not happy at all. Ehren continued to get ready and opened the door to greet a next door neighbours child with whom we walk to school. I had socks in hand and her fleecy jacket. We managed to get the socks on but when I put my hand out for her to get off the couch she folded her arms in revolt. I took her wrist in an attempt to put the sweater on and she kicked it away from her and said, “NO”. I took her by the wrist, pulling her gently off the couch and her body collapsed under her. She was crying at this point pretty hard and loud. Ehren was already out the door and talking to our neighbour and her son.

“Sydney we have to get dressed it’s time to go.” I was still holding her wrist but manovered myself onto the couch and had her in between my legs.

“No, let me go.” she wanted desperately to get out of my arms and she continued to scream.

“Syd are you upset because of what Ehren said this morning?” her resistance was beginning to break.

“NO!” tears streaming down her face.

“Sydney Ehren’s outside waiting and if you’re not going to tell me how I can help you we have to go.”

More screaming but her resistance was beginning to break.

“Here let’s put your sweater on. You’re making me cold.” she reluctantly put one arm in and then the second. She turned to me and with a wet face strewn with tears she looked me in the eyes and said, “I just don’t want to go to school. I’m scared!” she leaned into me and curled into my arms.

“Syd I know that you can beat your fear and you can beat the anxiety monster. I know that you can do it because you’re strong. Why don’t you try and think of something that just you and mommy can do tonight after school. Can you do that for me?”

She looked up and wiped the tears and nodded.

“Good. Let’s make sure your big brother isn’t half way down the street!” I took her hand and we got ready to go out the door.

Normally we walk to school and she doesn’t need my hand to hold. It’s been a small sign but a sign none the less that she’s feeling more comfortable and confident. This morning she held on the whole way to school. But in the end she did it, because we got to school, she even spoke to one of the little girls in line. When it was time to get changed and find a spot on the wall she did it, albeit teary eyed and looking emotionally drained but she did it.

What Sydney is very quickly teaching me is to revel in those plain jane moments when all is going smoothly. To be happy in the present moment and deal with life as it happens. She’s teaching both of us to be stronger as individuals because if she can sit by the wall and watch me walk away without any tears, then surely I can walk away and be strong too. Now I just need a big cup of coffee!