Today was such a hard day that I have to admit it’s very difficult to write this blog. I have so many emotions welling inside that I’m finding it really difficult to keep focused on writing just one thing. Today was the transition day to Syndey staying for lunch. The plan that we (the Behaviour Action Team, the youth and child counsellor and I) came up with was that I would go in the school for lunch and stay for the first 15/20 minutes and then take my leave. There would be a support person there for her when she had to transition for recess outside and with each few days I will cut down the amount of time I’m there. I’m in the classroom with the intention that I’m a classroom monitor and not just there for Sydney. What a catastrophe and what a revelation!

The catastrophe first. I left my house and I always have to leave 5 minutes before the actual time because the school clocks are not in synch with mine by any means. So I left my house at what I thought was an appropriate time and as I’m locking my door I can hear the school bell ring. DAMN! Thankfully we are only the other block so I ran to the school thinking to myself, “Sure the first day of her staying at school and I”m late. What a great mom I am?”.  I came in through the front doors and walked up the stairs to the classroom and only half of them were there. I asked where the rest of the class was and I was told that they were washing their hands. I went down the hall past the cavelry of children and peeked into the bathroom, no Sydney? That was strange. So back I go to the classroom which is now full of hungry 6 year olds and all the desks were full except Sydney’s. Standing at the door I mutter, “Where’s Sydney?”. One of the little girls told me that she was down in the office. “The office” I thought to myself, so down I go to find her in the office. I swear it was like a bad sitcom. I get to the office and the secretary immediately stops me at the door and says, “You’re looking for Sydney? She’s just gone up to her classroom.” WHAT…I’ve just ran a mini marathon and there’s only 20 minutes for lunch and it’s the first day and holy cow how in the world did this get so out of control and oh my God I’m tired.

As I turned the corner there she was with a beaming smile and laughter standing with one of the ladies from the Behaviour team and they were joking (if you can imagine) about the whole thing! She had her lunchbag in her hand and her and I entered into the room. The kids were all relatively well behaved and I was a little surprised at the noise level…it was rather tolerable. Sydney walked to her desk and completely broke down. It was like a switch had been turned on and the tears flowed and the crying interferred with the silence of the room and made eyes and heads turn to her.

I was directed to try at least to get her to sit down at her chair and a few minutes of asking landed me no where. So I stood up and continued to watch the rest of the kids interacting and eating and momentarily wished that Sydney could be just like one of the other kids. But the reality is she isn’t just like all the others.

When the bell rang and it was time for me to go she had spent the entire lunchtime standing beside her desk just watching the world go by and my heart just broke. I said, “goodbye” and told her that I would see her soon and I exited out of the room. My part was over and now I passed along the next transition to the one of the wonderful Behavioural team members. I walked out of the school with the cool air blowing over my flushed from nerves and anxiety face and as I edged closer to home I started to cry. I called my husband and in explaining the events I could barely get my words out through the tears. 

This leads to the revelation. I realized that I was the reason that she started to cry. We all want for our children to be happy and I don’t know any parent who doesn’t want for their child to be happy especially in their presence. So this morning when I realized that I make things worse it was a harsh reality that I’ve acknowleged over the past 5 years but it was never really as visible to me as it was today.

I luckily had the BAT team over for a bit of a de-briefing after they helped her transition outside for recess and I greeted them at my door wiping away the reminents of the tears from my conversation with my husband.  In the beginning of our discussions about “lunchtime” I thought that it would help the situation if I was there. After today I am doubting that theory. They put it into perspective for me so I wouldn’t be thinking that I’m the worst parent on the face of the planet. The explaination was that when she’s by herself in the school she may not like being there, the anxiety might overwhelm her and she might be terrified but she must deal with it. When I am there she is reminded of how much she misses me and how terrified she is, so it is understandable than when I’m present she completely crumbles. A hard pill to swallow due to the fact that I have basically put my life on hold to help her through life these past 6 years. But in the end a necessity for both of us. I need to step back and let her be herself on her own terms and she needs to take those steps with support and I will be that support but I now have to leave it in the capable hands of my team.

These people that are in the field of helping these children need to be commended for not only being there to help Sydney step forward but as well for helping me. This morning what I needed to hear was that I was doing the right thing and that Sydney is being supported. Although emotionally I was exhausted by 12:00 I was comforted in the fact that I have a very strong group of individuals who see, just like I do the potential in my daughter. Let’s hope tomorrow will be that much easier for all of us!