Since we moved here in July it has been a complete learning experience. The people I have met neighbours, people in the community and at the school have all been so understanding and shown a genuine interest in both Sydney and our family. I have never felt so supported since having Sydney as I do now.

I’ve just recently been introduced to the Behavioural Action Team (BAT). They work alongside the school and the family to help implement strategies and resources in order to help Sydney come to terms with and manage her anxiety. The list of people now involved with Sydney’s well being is extensive and we are in the honeymoon stage of our relationship where we are just getting to know each other and are all actively laying down the groundwork in order to move forward.

This is the second time that we have met and my first impression were nothing more that utterly comforting and motivating. Honestly, I feel like pinching myself sometimes because it feels surreal that these many people are interested in helping. The first meeting was a lot of preliminary work of getting to know one another and how our previous experience has brought us to my table. The second meeting which took place this morning was a little more in-depth and as productive and engaging as last time.  I explained what I perceived as Sydney’s most pressing issues and together we discussed which one to focus on and ways in which to implement these strategies. The best part was that this was an open forum where ideas and concerns were voiced.

Over the last two years it has been a struggle to make people understand why Sydney behaves the way she does and only a few have fully grasped what I’ve been telling them. Especially from a school perspective Sydney has been portrayed in such a negative way it has inevitably made me suspicious and leery of people who seem to question my recommendations or advice on how best to proceed. Such is the case with one of the staff members at the school. Don’t get me wrong everyone has been superb at coming forward and embracing Sydney but certain recommendations were inferred and in a nutshell I don’t think that the idea will work. I voiced my opinion and I felt that I was not heard. So, at the meeting this morning I discussed my resistance as delicately as possible but found it hard to find the exact words. I know that everyone is trying his/her best and as we all know what works for one child will not necessarily work for another but when it comes down to it I know  my child. In dancing around my feelings one member of the team suggested that perhaps I’m finding that this person does not fully understand what Sydney’s needs are and it is the misunderstanding that is making me feel uneasy. I couldn’t have said it better myself. In fact because I had to fight so damn hard last year for the faculty to understand that Sydney’s behaviour stems from fear and anxiety not unwillingness and belligerence (and in the end I felt like I was banging my head against a wall) my back was up and I was preparing for another battle.  After some discussion my own anxiety and fears were quickly put to rest and I now see no need for concern.

So as of next week our new focus and goal is to help Sydney transition to staying all day and not coming home for lunch. My stomach just churns at the thought and I think this morning I was more anxious than Sydney will be.  But, we must move forward and we must challenge the anxiety and learn to find ways to bring the anxiety down and her confidence and ability to cope up. So it must be done despite every fibre of my being saying, “She’s still my little girl and I don’t want her to hurt, or cry or be upset.” I also realize that without this next step her life will always be just coping for the moment and not building her life.

Her teacher was told about our plan and by the end of the day Sydney came out of school smiling and laughing. With a little prompting from the teacher I learned that the idea of staying for lunch was discussed and that was my queue to prepare her for next Tuesday. Yikes! She seemed to take it in stride but it is a couple days away and I’m sure the discussion and arguments will be heard. It’s all part of the process…right?

Later on this evening Sydney accompanied me to the grocery store and as we left the driveway and passed the school Sydney exclaimed, “I’m getting used to my new school and I’m beginning to really like it. I’m getting more friends and I’m just getting used to it.” I told her how happy I was that she was finding her place and that change is tough but one day at a time everything will get easier and feel more comfortable.  

One thing I took from today:

I’ve always been upfront and vocal about Sydney’s anxiety and I have never felt like I couldn’t tell people about it or explain it. Despite all of my open candid conversation I discovered that I haven’t been 100% truthful with the one that matters most…Sydney. At our meeting last week it was mentioned that we have to talk openly and use words like anxiety and coping and be honest with what we are dealing with. I realized that I have not been so forthcoming. Sydney went to school last Wednesday and didn’t want to go back after lunch but in the morning she disclosed that she “didn’t want to cry”. After lunch as we were just about to walk out the door I helped her put her sweater on and I said, “Remember this morning when you told me you didn’t want to cry? You walked into the school and gave me a big hug and kiss and there were no tears, so whatever you did to cope with the scary feelings and that anxious feeling you have to remember what you did that made you feel better. You can do it Sydney, I have faith in you because you’re strong and you’re my daughter and I know you can.” Do you want to know what happened? She went back to school gave me a little smirk that let me know she’d be okay and we both managed to cope.

There is no doubt that the next couple weeks will be nerve-wracking and scary and anxiety ridden for all of us.  I have faith that all of these wonderful people with all of their experience and knowledge but more so with what I see as a genuine desire to help and support us will begin the journey that gives us all hope for a future with Sydney in the driver’s seat and the anxiety in the trunk.  After all, these were the wonderful women that sat at my table and acknowledged that Sydney walking to school without holding my hand was a step in the right direction and not something that should dismissed. Yikes..who said I was ready to let go?